Here are 6 things perfectionists don’t tell you:
- They just want to be liked. Liked for their accomplishments, liked for their hard work, liked for their “easy going” personality, liked for all of the things that they think are important to others. However, the perfectionistic mask prevents others from getting to know the authentic person underneath in order to have a deeper level of care for them. Being liked for one’s accomplishments and people-pleasing, though, doesn’t satisfy our innate need for human connection.
- They disagree with you. For people pleasers, disagreement means conflict, and conflict means there’s a chance you won’t like them (see point #1). It’s much easier for a perfectionist to seemingly nod in agreement, make an “irrefutable” generic statement, or focus on the other person’s perspective than express their genuine thoughts and feelings because that exposes them to possible criticism.
- They are highly anxious and self-doubting. Anxiety can be conceptualized as discomfort with uncertainty. One can see how this doesn’t mesh very well with the highly controlled tendencies of perfectionists. When we feel anxious, our urge is to latch onto what we can control. For a lot of people, work is the place we find this control! When life is full of uncertainty, at least we can log onto Teams, check off items on our “to-do list,” and make sure others know how hard we’re working
- That they need help or don’t know something. Higher levels of perfectionistic traits are associated with lower levels of help-seeking behavior (Dang et al., 2020). By striving for perfection at the individual level, perfectionists have a harder time tapping into the benefits of collaborating with others for a better outcome. Some people pleasers may be afraid to ask for help because they’re afraid of looking incompetent, a sign of what’s popularly referred to as “imposter syndrome”, or the false feeling that you’re underqualified to be in a position. Asking for help means admitting that you don’t know something, and when a perfectionists’ sense of self is so tightly tethered to their work performance, acknowledging that they don’t know something has a stronger impact on their self-esteem.
- They experience psychological delays in decision making. Perfectionists tend to take a longer time to make decisions. While careful decision-making can be a strength, waffling back and forth between options because of anxiety over which is the best outcome can be an impediment. Even if they’re making the best decision in the end, the chronic stress that it takes to be a perfectionist can have harmful outcomes on mental well-being, sleep, gut health, and many other areas.
- They don’t feel good enough. Landing the perfect job, the perfect salary, the perfect partner, and the perfect home isn’t enough to satisfy the perfectionistic itch. The perfectionist wouldn’t know what to do even if “perfection” was reached in their lives. The focus on striving is what defines their identity and value, not actually achieving a goal. If perfectionists ultimately don’t feel that they as a person are “enough”, nothing will ever be. If you find yourself reflecting on the things you could’ve done better after reaching a goal instead of celebrating your success, you may be a perfectionist.
Self-Reflection:
- What do you find most challenging about delegating responsibilities to others?
- How easy or challenging is it for you to make decisions? Do you find yourself experiencing excessive anxiety or social comparison?
- How difficult is it for you to experience pride and achievement when your goals have been accomplished?
- What are the differences between how you present in professional versus personal settings? (i.e.. Do you thrive in settings where tasks are clear, but less so when social norms are involved?)
