Buzzwords, Not a Diagnosis
Many relationship TikToks encourage self-diagnosis, captivating the attention of users with buzzwords. For example, someone watching a viral video that explains anxious attachment might start interpreting every small action from their partner through this lens. This could lead to an unhealthy cycle of overthinking, unnecessary conflict, and misleading labeling. While buzzwords may be reassuring in the short-term (e.g., it’s the partner’s fault), a more helpful lens that appreciates the nuance and complexity of real relationship issues is offered by Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT; Johnson et al., 1999). EFT is a humanistic, evidence-based approach to psychotherapy that draws on attachment theory to help individuals and couples build secure, meaningful connections with themselves and the people they care about.
An EFT Reality Check
So how well do TikTok buzzwords measure up to reality? Here are several examples.
Attachment Styles
TikTok Trend: “If they pull away when you get close, they’re avoidant. If you overthink everything they do, you’re anxious.”
EFT Reality Check: Attachment styles are often misunderstood as fixed labels, but in the EFT framework, they are seen as fluid patterns of behavior shaped by beliefs about oneself and others. More importantly, these patterns can change through emotional experiences (Hollist & Miller, 2005). Behaviors labeled as “anxious” or “avoidant” are not static or mental disorders. Instead, EFT sees them as signs of disconnection that can be regulated through more secure relational bonds (Johnson et al., 2013). Rather than obsessing over correctly labeling our partners, EFT explores the emotional dance between them: how fear, protest, and withdrawal create cycles of disconnection and how those cycles can be changed through attunement and vulnerability (Vanhee et al., 2018). The goal is to de-escalate conflict by fostering curiosity and empathy, rather than relying on one-size-fits-all labels that leave little room for growth or genuine connection.
Toxic Relationships
TikTok Trend: “If your partner makes you cry or gets defensive during fights, it’s a toxic relationship.”
EFT Reality Check: While certain behaviors may signal serious dysfunction or abuse, the term “toxic” is often overused to describe common relationship distress. EFT views conflict and emotional reactivity not as signs of toxicity, but as clues that partners are caught in a negative cycle, where both individuals are reacting to unmet identity needs (e.g., feeling valued, respected, competent, or lovable) (Vanhee et al., 2018). One partner may attempt to assert control and preserve their sense of self through dominance, while the other may respond by complying or submitting, reinforcing a destructive pattern of emotional turmoil (Vanhee et al., 2018). In this particular emotional dance, the complying person may experience feeling stuck with anger, contempt, and disconnection. The EFT lens allows space for emotional accountability and repair. Instead of assigning blame or prematurely ending relationships, it opens up the possibility of healing through empathy, safety, and emotional responsiveness. It helps partners recognize and understand the negative patterns they are caught in and how their reactions reinforce the cycle, creating space for changing their recurring dance steps.
Boundaries
TikTok Trend: “Protect your peace at all costs. Set boundaries and don’t explain yourself to anyone.”
EFT Reality Check: From an EFT perspective, the term “boundaries” we use colloquially is based on unhelpful assumptions about closeness and intimacy. Rather they use the term “bond.” The EFT therapist’s primary goal is to help couples recover secure emotional bonds that serve as bridges rather than walls, that clarify emotional needs and support co-regulation (Johnson, 2004). It is not about protecting ourselves from our partners; it is about helping our partner understand how to meet us safely.
Red Flags
TikTok Trend: “If they don’t respond to your text within an hour, that’s a red flag. If they don’t open up right away, they’re hiding something.”
EFT Reality Check: Social media culture often frames minor frustrations as “red flags,” creating anxiety and mistrust in relationships. While genuine red flags such as abuse or persistent dishonesty should be taken seriously, EFT shifts the focus from blaming individual partners to exploring with curiosity how reactive, distress-driven cycles are the true source of emotional disconnection (Johnson & Brubacher, 2016; Vanhee, 2018). This shift from blame and defensiveness to open curiosity and empathy is crucial for building trust rather than reinforcing fear.
Gaslighting
TikTok Trend: “If your partner ever questions your memory or disagrees with your version of an argument, they’re gaslighting you.”
EFT Reality Check: Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional manipulation involving intentional deception and control. However, it is often misapplied to describe any disagreement or difference in perception between partners. Patterns of ongoing criticism and complaints fueled by anger, followed by withdrawal and defensiveness, can destroy romantic relationships because they block the possibility of emotionally safe connection (Johnson & Greenman, 2006). EFT helps partners navigate disagreements more realistically by first increasing awareness of recurring patterns, instead of labeling them immediately as gaslighting. This deeper understanding fosters healthier communication and emotional connection, even in conflict. By learning to address to these nuances together thoughtfully, all forms of EFT can support the restoration of emotional balance (Greenman & Johnson, 2022).
Beyond Labels
TikTok buzzwords often have roots in legitimate psychological concepts. Yet, when they have been stripped of nuance and context, they can undermine the emotional depth and complexity of real relationships. EFT offers a powerful alternative: an approach that peels beneath the everyday behavior between partners with curiosity (e.g., gaining clarity of our go-to dance “moves”) to uncover our deeper longing for safety, connection, emotional attunement, and love. Rather than labeling a partner with blame or soothing oneself with validation, EFT asks a different set of questions. Secure relationships are not built on fast judgment, but on intentional, effortful emotional engagement. And that is something no trending video can deliver.
Self-reflection:
- How often have I found myself comparing my current relationship while watching TikToks? What might be the effects of these comparisons?
- How often have I gotten into arguments with my partner about a TikTok discussing relationships? What could be a more helpful way to talk about relationship concerns with my partner?
- Which of my expectations about “healthy” relationships are based on what I have learned from social media? How accurate and realistic are these expectations?
- When do I use TikTok or other social media to seek validation or advice about my relationship? What might be other ways to find support about my relationship concerns?
