Last year while on a road trip with my family, I watched the following scene unfold in a hotel lobby during breakfast. A father with his toddler in tow poured himself some coffee and turned to make his way back to his table, cup in one hand and toddler’s hand in the other. While a seemingly mundane experience for adults, the toddler thought otherwise and was eager to discover what mystery the cup contained. “Me see! Me see!” the child protested while jumping up and down. Despite being told “No” not once, but twice, the child continued his outburst. Relenting, the father then brought the coffee cup to the child’s level. After the young boy took a quick look and sniff, the two finished their walk back uneventfully.
The entire scene lasted maybe one minute. Yet it made me reflect deeply about how brief everyday interactions could shape children’s development. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure many parents (myself included!) have negotiated with an unruly child or went back on our word to de-escalate a situation. What message does that send to children though? For one, it must be confusing for “No” to have an ever changing meaning: sometimes “No” means “Maybe”, or “Later”, or “Yes, but not now”. Furthermore, each time a parent gives in, children learn that if they just remain defiant, they’ll eventually get their way. It puts them in a place of power, which they might think they want. Yet, it can actually be an overwhelming experience for a child who doesn’t understand how the world works enough to make sound decisions.
“No” should mean “No”
For this reason, if a parent is going to say “No”, it should mean exactly that. One of a parent’s most important responsibilities is to set appropriate boundaries for their children. Boundaries keep children physically safe. Children must be taught that roads are dangerous or that knives are sharp. Additionally, boundaries set expectations for social behavior that will allow children to thrive as they get older. Parents are best suited to help their children fit in with their peers and thrive within a culture. Children must be taught important values such as it is not acceptable to hit others, take toys without asking, or break objects out of anger or frustration. Children who do not learn such boundaries will struggle socially. Using “No” consistently is essential for teaching children boundaries and ensuring they honor them.
“No” shouldn’t always stand alone
Nobody likes to be told “No” regardless of their age. For young children, it can be especially difficult to accept emotionally. Acknowledging how your child feels and letting them know that frustration is natural without changing your stance may help them handle their emotions and experience positive outcomes in the long run (Masud et al., 2019). Though it may be difficult to see our children struggle with the aftermath of being told “No,” it is important for both the child and parent to learn to tolerate these initial feelings.
As children age, their curiosity grows and sharing the rationale behind a negative response can help them respect the boundary with less frustration. For example, my children know that if they ask me for a cookie after school they are more likely to receive a favorable response than if they ask for that same cookie just before bedtime. They are aware that cookies contain sugar which gives people energy. Having a burst of energy just before bedtime can interfere with their sleep, which is essential for their health and development. By providing the context behind “No,” children can learn that parents are not arbitrary dictators trying to interfere with their fun, but rather compassionate caregivers making informed choices with their best interests in mind. In addition to strengthening the parent-child relationship, providing awareness of situations where “No” applies can equip children with the information necessary to exercise judgment and make better decisions for themselves. Demonstrating understanding of your child’s experience while maintaining clear, firm boundaries contributes to healthy psychological development in children (Lanjekar et al., 2022).
Don’t use “No” unnecessarily
Because “No” has such an important role, it should mostly be used when a situation warrants it. Sometimes parents can resort to using “No” in a reactive manner without considering whether it is truly the best response. “No” used too frequently without reason can negatively impact children’s self-esteem. Alternatively, “No” might be used too frequently by parents who underestimate what their children are capable of. For example, a child might express a desire to help a parent cook and be told “No” because of all of the potential dangers in the kitchen. Instead, this could be used as an opportunity to teach a child kitchen safety and provide them with age appropriate tasks to participate in. Finally, “No” is sometimes employed by parents for selfish reasons, such as not having the time or patience to allow a child to complete a task for themselves. Both of the latter situations inhibit children from the opportunity to learn how to do things for themselves, stunting their independence and development.
By reserving “No” for necessary situations, parents offer children more opportunities to interact with and understand the world around them. These experiences contribute to realistic self-esteem and confidence, resulting in capable children who aren’t overly anxious about the world around them. Strategic use of the word “No” bolsters the parent-child relationship by instilling trust that their parents can set boundaries when necessary, but not stifle them arbitrarily.
The place of “No” for trust and curiosity
Returning to the introductory scenario, there are two alternate ways it could have played out that would be beneficial for parent and child alike in the long run.
- The parent said “No” and upheld their response. Perhaps the coffee was hot and truly a risk to the child. In that case, by standing their ground, the parent conveys that jumping and yelling would not change their decision and lead to what the child wants. In the process, the child would have learned the importance of a boundary set for their safety while tolerating their frustration.
- If the coffee wasn’t a risk, however, the parent could have just skipped “No” to begin with and invited their curious child to explore more about the world around them without the momentary battle. The parent and child would have shared a moment of bonding, learning what “coffee” is: experiencing that it is sometimes hot, has a strong smell, and displays a dark color. The child would have felt included in his parent’s world and walked away trusting his parent to prepare them and offer a secure base to venture into the world.
It is important for parents to consider whether they are compromising on situations where “No” is needed at the expense of their children’s growth and social development. On the other hand, it is equally important to ensure parents aren’t missing out on teachable moments because they were quick to resort to “No.”
Self-Reflection
- How am I using “No” as a parent? When I say “No” to my child is it a reaction or with purpose?
- What everyday situations are truly worthy of saying “No”? What are the reasons for saying “No” in those situations?
- How can I include my young child in everyday experiences to nourish their curiosity and ability to explore and interact with the world around them?
