Michelangelo’s Expulsion from the Garden of Eden presents one of the well-known stories of our origin in Western culture. In the painting, we notice the facial expressions of Adam and Eve, as Adam’s extended arms and hands and Eve’s hunching body suggest their need to flee and hide themselves. We recognize, almost immediately, this is shame. As we look more closely, another layer is revealed: a relationship of power between the ostracizing angel who executes the shaming, and the human couple being shamed. We witness a scene of humiliation.
Shame, it seems, is an important ingredient baked into how we understand ourselves as human beings. When we feel shame, we might tell ourselves: “I am bad, worthless, unlovable; I need to disappear.” Psychologists distinguish shame and guilt – “I am bad” vs. “I acted badly.” The difference lies in a focus on the self for shame, in contrast to guilt’s attention to our behavior. Yet this distinction can sometimes be difficult to parse out (Dearing & Tangney, 2011; Lewis, 1971).
If shame truly belongs to a range of emotions we all experience, why do we often have such a hard time handling it?
Culture, Nurture, Norms
Perhaps one way to tackle this question is to ask, “how do we learn to experience shame in the first place?” Anthropologists who study how cultures value and shape our emotions have found that parents and caregivers in the U.S. tend to provide more opportunities for children to experience pride and foster self-esteem (Mesquita, 2022). American parents offer praise so that children feel seen as unique and special in the eyes of their caregivers. In non-Western cultures such as Taiwan, however, parents offer more lessons for children to experience shame: they learn discretion and their proper place as members in society. Yet, shame does not lead to rejection by the parent. Instead, it is shared within the bond between parent and child. The point of this comparison is not to judge if one type of parenting is “better” than another. Rather, it shows how our early relationships predispose us to emotions that are more acceptable and valued within a culture. In the extreme, we can inflate the valuation of “good” emotions so much that we cannot tolerate any “bad” ones that are also an important part of our experience.
Shame and Avoidance
Perhaps shaped by a culture that idealizes a flawless self as a sign of success, our impossible wish to be perfect can drive us to avoid any experience of shame. This pressure becomes stronger when we experience setbacks and trauma: we cannot tolerate anything bad in ourselves. In contrast to the immediate recognition of shame in Michelangelo’s painting, we might not even be aware of our shame in the first place. Instead, we might cope with more acceptable emotions and actions: lash out in anger (“how dare you humiliate me!”), blame others (“the rules of the game were unfair!”), drown ourselves in relentless work (“I must become the best performer”), or withdraw from significant relationships into helplessness (“no one can understand or help me”). These strategies provide temporary relief – that’s why they are so common – we expel our “bad” parts to maintain an appearance of a self that is purely “good.” As we continually rely on these strategies, a rigid pattern takes hold. When we peel away their outer layers, we find chronic shame and our urge to avoid it (DeYoung, 2015).
Helpful Approaches
Curiosity and self-compassion can be our allies in these instances. We cannot begin to solve our problems if we don’t recognize them. Being curious and noticing our patterns of getting stuck, our genuine emotional experiences, and difficulties with meaningful relationships can be helpful first steps. Often, this new awareness can be painful and exhausting – it can create a sense of failure and more shame. Yet, we do not have to be alone in our experience of shame: we can learn to seek help, learn to acknowledge that we are human, learn to give ourselves grace to have limitations, and learn to tolerate that we are “good enough” to overcome setbacks and past trauma. When we give ourselves space for this process, and therapy could offer this space, we can gradually heal and rediscover our fuller selves.
Self-Reflection:
- Shame can be experienced in varying degrees of intensity: feeling self-conscious, awkward, embarrassed, etc. Recall situations when you experienced these emotions. How did you become aware of these feelings? How did you react? How did others react to you? What other words could describe your experience?
- How is shame shared and acknowledged in your close relationships and at work?
- What does “good enough” look like for you?
- How do you experience and convey compassion towards others? How do they compare with your compassion towards yourself? If any, what could be the reasons for their differences?
