The holiday season often brings images of cozy gatherings, joyful reunions, and tables filled with delicious food. But for many, the reality can feel a little different. Between travel plans, gift shopping, and family dynamics, this time of year can bring as much stress as it does cheer. Maybe conversations around the dinner table start to feel tense, touching on topics like politics, relationships, or diet talk. Or maybe guilt sneaks in after going back for that second serving of your favorite dish. If any of this sounds familiar, you’re definitely not alone.
According to a 2023 survey conducted by the American Heart Association (AHA), 63% of U.S. adults reported the holiday season to be more stressful than tax season. Furthermore, 79% reported overlooking their own health needs during the holidays and 71% shared that their biggest regret after the holidays is not taking the time to slow down and enjoy the holiday season (AHA, 2023). Similarly, a 2023 American Psychological Association (APA) survey found that nearly 9 in 10 adults say that concerns like finances, missing loved ones, or anticipating family conflict cause them stress this season (APA, 2023). These numbers remind us holiday stress is real and can impact our mood, health habits, and overall well-being.
Coping Ahead
So, now what? The holidays have a cozy allure, but can truly increase stress and mess with our well-being. Knowing what we know, we can choose to cope ahead. Coping ahead is a skill from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that asks us to use the facts of what we know to plan ahead for times that may bring up distressing emotions. We need to think about what we may be needing to survive the hardships of the holiday season. I recommend the following cope ahead plan:
- Reflect
- Build a coping skills toolbox
- Practice and put it into action
Reflect
It can be helpful to set intentions and goals for the holiday season. Reviewing and defining your values can help you make choices that reflect those values. Think about what you want your holiday season to look and feel like, what comes to mind? Write those things down and ask what is most important to you during this time of year. Consider what you hope to prioritize and remind yourself of these values when things feel challenging. Keep a note in your phone to pull up easily no matter where you are.
Build a Coping Skills Toolbox
Having some coping skills ready to go, particularly during a stressful time of year, can be very helpful! Below are some common DBT coping skills that can help with setting boundaries and managing emotions during the busy holiday season.
Setting and maintaining boundaries: DEAR MAN
DEAR MAN can help put a method to the madness to set boundaries or make requests of others.
D – Describe: describe the situation using just the facts. Facts are things that you, me, and someone half way across the world could agree on. For example, if the thermostat is set to 68 degrees, the fact would be that it is 68 degrees rather than the room is cold. Feeling cold is subjective whereas the numerical value of the temperature is an undisputed fact. When setting a boundary or making a request, think about what everyone knows to be true.
For example, if I want to set a boundary with my Aunt Jane about discussing diet culture, we could all agree that this is a common topic that is discussed at the dinner table during the holidays. We could also all agree that Aunt Jane is the person who often brings this conversation up each year as she is serving holiday dishes to family members.
E – Express: express how the facts influence your emotions. By sharing the way factual occurrences make you feel, others can best understand the consequences of the situation. For example, Aunt Jane’s comments about calories at the holiday dinner table lead me to feel guilt and shame for enjoying my favorite celebratory foods.
A – Assert: this is where we make the request or set the boundary. In our example, we may ask Aunt Jane to limit her discussion of dieting or calories while we eat our holiday meal.
R – Reinforce: in this step, we wrap it all up together by bringing back the facts and the feelings that arise with those facts. We might share with our aunt that we have noticed that she brings up this topic each year and it leads to feelings of shame and guilt.
M – (be) Mindful: the “MAN” of DEAR MAN are things to keep in mind as we walk through those four steps of making a request or setting a boundary. To be mindful, we can attend to the way we hope our message comes across with our tone and volume of voice. We can also be mindful of balancing out the facts of the situation with the emotions that are being stirred up in the moment. Be present and remember that your request/boundary is valid.
A – Appear confident: when we are making a request or setting a boundary, we want to be clear and firm to avoid any confusion. Speaking with confidence means having a clear voice with a clear ask for a request or boundary.
N – Negotiate: when we think of negotiating, we are really thinking about being flexible. In the example of Aunt Jane, maybe it’s about knowing that she will try her best to avoid diet talk at the table. However, she may need a reminder every once in a while, especially if her behavior has become rather automatic.
Putting it all together, here is a way we could use DEAR MAN to have a conversation with Aunt Jane:
“Aunt Jane, when you talk about dieting while I’m serving myself food, I start to feel guilty about what I am putting on my plate. Can we please talk about other things? It will help me enjoy my meal and my time with you and our family.”
While sharing this with your Aunt, maintain your focus (mindful), keep your voice even and calm (appearing confident), and be willing to negotiate (“what else would you like to chat about?”).
Distress tolerance: how to cope with difficult emotions
Distress tolerance skills help us deescalate high levels of emotions in the moment. For the holidays, here is a quick acronym (ACCEPTS) that can give you some ideas of how to cope in the moment:
A – Activities: engage in an activity that elicits another emotion and participate in these activities fully. Some common ideas include exercising, watching TV, or reading a book.
C – Contribute to others: focus your mind and energy on something or someone. Volunteer, surprise someone with something kind, be thoughtful.
C – Compare: compare how you are feeling now to a time you were feeling different. How were you able to get through difficult times in the past? Think about a past memory that makes you feel empowered, happy, or calm.
E – Emotions: create a different emotion than the one you are experiencing. For example, if you’re feeling sad, watch your favorite comedy or listen to an uplifting playlist.
P – Push Away: we can choose to temporarily shelve painful thoughts and emotions and choose to come back to them later when we have more time and space to cope. This skill can be particularly helpful in the middle of a holiday event (as long as you revisit and address the emotion later).
T – Thoughts: focus on positive thoughts. Find a saying that you can repeat to yourself to be your biggest cheerleader, such as “I am strong” or “I can do this.”
S – Sensations: create sensations that distract you from the situation. Maybe you wash your hands with warm water and scented soap after a challenging conversation with a family member, or go outside into the cool crisp air to take some deep breaths.
Emotion regulation: how to care for yourself preemptively so that emotions are less likely to become intense
Emotion regulation skills help individuals intentionally take care of themselves preemptively so that high levels of emotionality are less likely to spike. These activities and ideas could be helpful to consider building in to your holiday season as a means of coping ahead:
Pl – treat Physical iLlness: when we avoid taking care of our physical illnesses, we are not able to be our best versions of ourselves. Make sure to check in with yourself and take care of you, especially during cold and flu season!
E – balanced Eating: the holiday season can get busy and hectic, making sure that you are fueling your body with nutrients and fun foods will be helpful to feeling your best.
A – Avoid mood altering substances: drugs and alcohol can lead to inhibited behaviors, and therefore, difficult emotional experiences related to those behaviors. Make sure to check in with yourself and reflect on how you hope to engage or not engage with substances, particularly in possibly stressful holiday situations.
S – balanced Sleep: getting enough quality sleep can impact how we are able to show up for ourselves and others. Make sure to do your best to prioritize your rest, particularly in a time of high stress.
E – get Exercise: exercise is an empirically proven way to improve and balance mood. It can be helpful to make sure that your body gets the movement it needs throughout the holiday season.
Intuitive eating: listen to your body to make satisfying and nutritious food choices
Intuitive eating is an evidence based approach to eating that emphasizes tuning in to the body’s natural hunger and fullness cues rather than external diet rules or restrictions. It involves developing a strong connection with and understanding of one’s internal physiological signals of hunger and satiety, while maintaining a low preoccupation with food (Avalos & Tylka, 2006). Eating intuitively can lead individuals to be more aware of how different foods make their bodies feel and tend to choose foods that support both physical functioning and satisfaction, recognizing that taste is just one of several factors in making eating decisions. There are three factors that make up intuitive eating: unconditional permission to eat when hungry and to eat whatever food is desired, eating for physical rather than emotional reasons, and reliance on internal hunger and satiety cues (Tylka, 2006).
These three core themes are echoed beautifully through Evelyn Tribole’s, MS, RD Holiday Bill of Rights (2010):
“What if peace on earth could begin at the dinner table? Imagine experiencing an inner peace, free from incessant worry about what to eat. It’s hard to enjoy the holidays when you are preoccupied with eating or worried about what to say to relatives who have an annual tradition of telling you what and how to eat.
Consider your Intuitive Eating Bill of Rights, as we enter the holiday season, to help you foster inner peace with food, mind and body.
- You have the right to savor your meal, without cajoling or judgment, and without discussion of calories eaten or the amount of exercise needed to burn off said calories.
- You have the right to enjoy second servings without apology.
- You have the right to honor your fullness, even if that means saying “no thank you” to dessert or a second helping of food.
- It is not your responsibility to make someone happy by overeating, even if it took hours to prepare a specialty holiday dish.
- You have the right to say, “No thank you,” without explanation, when offered more food.
- You have the right to stick to your original answer of “no”, even if you are asked multiple times. Just calmly and politely repeat “No, thank you, really.”
- You have the right to eat pumpkin pie for breakfast.
Remember, no one, except for you, knows how you feel, both emotionally and physically. Only you can be the expert of your body, which requires inner attunement, rather than the external, well-meaning, suggestions from family. (Note this was originally posted in 2010).”
Copyright © 2010 by Evelyn Tribole, MS, RD Published at http://www.IntuitiveEating.org
Tribole’s proposed Bill of Rights captures both the spirit of intuitive eating with the coping skills above. It is okay to set and maintain boundaries with loved ones. It is also okay to enjoy your favorite holiday foods, particularly with intention and increased awareness. Food is something that can hold a lot of emotion for folks. Food can be connected to memories and can bring comfort. Intuitive eating is all about creating peace with food. Reflect on your goals for this holiday season, your body’s hunger cues and nutrition needs, and your own joy to make your food decisions this season.
Practice and Put It into Action
The holidays are coming soon! There’s no time like the present to practice these new skills and put them into action. Reflect on your intentions and values for this season and hold them close. Consider challenges you’ve faced in previous years and practice skills you think will be helpful to survive the holiday chaos. Plan some built in relaxation time if you are anticipating a need to recharge. Be your biggest cheerleader and advocate for your needs this holiday season!
