Perfectionism is defined as the “refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.” Holding onto this rigid perspective, although often touted as a positive trait and linked to desired achievements, tends to contribute to persistent and high levels of emotional distress and feelings of inadequacy (“I’m not good enough”).
The clear and absolute definition of perfectionism is naturally attractive to those who feel uncomfortable with uncertainty and/or seek being valued and approved by others (Flett & Hewitt, 2002). Academic, athletic, and workplace settings are common, socially acceptable places where perfectionists can feel confident that they are “doing the right thing.” The structure and rubric for success are clearly laid out. With discipline and perseverance, many succeed: they achieve straight A’s, win games, get recruited for college or professional sports, receive promotions, and keep checking things off their “to-do” lists on the way to their ultimate goals.
But what happens when perfectionists try to apply the same strategies of success in more unpredictable and uncontrollable situations? They panic. This panic frequently occurs when a peak or endpoint is reached in one’s educational pursuits (e.g., obtaining the highest degree required for one’s field), athletic career (e.g., sports career ends voluntarily or involuntarily), or professional trajectory (e.g., one is no longer learning, growing, or interested in their career path). These transitions cause individuals to reflect on their personal life satisfaction and question their purpose and identity.
Outside of structured contexts, perfectionists writhe; they often suffer. When an external source isn’t providing explicit direction and expectations, perfectionists tend to hyper-focus on what they can control in order to reduce anxiety and feel “good enough.” Yet, despite monumental efforts, negative self-views, perpetual self-doubt, feeling directionless, and dissatisfying personal relationships remain.
Perfectionists seem to struggle the most with authenticity because they are used to adjusting to others’ expectations and ignoring their own sense of self. They consistently try to gauge others’ approval and validation, seeking to hear what others want rather than expressing their true selves. This tendency leads to significant people-pleasing and a false presentation of who they are – not in an intentionally deceiving way, but in a protective manner. If others know little about them, there is less opportunity for judgment or dislike directed toward the perfectionist. The biggest downside to this is that perfectionists then have difficulty feeling loved and understood to form more fulfilling relationships since they don’t let people know their true selves.
Perfectionism functions in a couple of ways psychologically:
- It reduces anxiety by providing a clear roadmap to achieve goals.
- It can be a distraction from uncomfortable emotions such as sadness, disappointment, and feelings of shame and inadequacy (Hewitt & Flett, 1991)
- It may be a way to “overcompensate” for an undesirable part of oneself (e.g., not being a “good person”)
Many people become stuck in the process of working hard to achieve a goal and find themselves confused about how to enjoy or appreciate the process of learning and growing.
Examples:
- Once you’ve climbed to the peak of a mountain, what more is there to do? Enjoy and rest? Perhaps climb other mountains or try a different path to ascend the same one?
- It’s akin to driving a car on a long road trip – once you’ve maintained top speed for a while, it feels effortless to consistently move at that pace. Life involves finding a sustainable way to maintain this cruising speed (high performance). How do we acclimate to this? It often feels like complacency, and for a perfectionist, complacency signifies stagnation. Paradoxically, this is a situation where the perfectionist has acquired adequate expertise to move effortlessly in their field. Similar to how a professional golfer, after decades of training, can complete a “perfect swing” without thinking, as though it is a reflex. This state of being is not stagnation, it is a state of mastery and the perfectionist will frequently misidentify it.
Addressing the Underpinnings of Perfectionism: We aim to use “perfection” as something we strive toward continuously, recognizing that mistakes and setbacks will happen. When mistakes and setbacks occur, it doesn’t signify something is “wrong with us.” We need to develop mental agility to comprehend internal and external factors in every scenario, rather than attributing individual blame and inadequacy as the sole reasons for setbacks. This flexible approach allows individuals to perform well – not perfectly. It is this mental skill that fosters lifelong success in any endeavor.
Perfectionists carry a highly disciplined and efficient work ethic with them everywhere they go, so eventually, it feels effortless. We must recognize that the effortlessness felt after achieving mastery is the goal; it does not imply that people are “lazy” or “not good enough.” As the famed historian Will Durant paraphrased the great philosopher Aristotle, “Excellence is not an act but a habit. The good or excellent person is the one who, in the conduct of life, seeks and secures the middle way between excess and deficiency.” Furthermore, Aristotle himself states, “It is the mark of a person of practical wisdom to be able to deliberate rightly about what is good and expedient for themselves, not in particular instances only, but with reference to the conduct of their whole life.”
Fundamentally, we should realize that we must hold ourselves to a standard of excellence, not an unrealistic and unattainable standard of perfection, and strive to find the balance between excess (perfection) and deficiency (laziness) in this context. If excellence is a habit, and we practice it, the fruits of that habit will materialize on their own, despite setbacks and less-than-perfect situations and outcomes.
Steps to Achieve This:
- Create more realistic expectations, given the inherently flawed nature of humans.
- Remember that “success” is subjective in relationships and personal decision-making; you get to decide what’s most important (even if others disagree).
- Shift from a “no mistakes allowed” to a “learning from experiences” mindset.
- Incorporate more self-compassion (to avoid getting stuck in shame or self-judgment)
- Develop a stronger sense of self and direction, relying less on external sources of validation to define self-worth.
Ultimately, we want to feel confident in our own definition of success, even when we face challenges from others’ choices and definitions. Avoid the comparison game – it’s the one game where every player loses. You’re the person living your life, so keep yourself in the driver’s seat and recognize when you inadvertently place others in it.
Self-Reflection
- Can you allow yourself room to enjoy accomplishments, or do you brush them off quickly?
- What thoughts and feelings do you have toward yourself when you make mistakes?
- What is your automatic reaction to the idea of stopping or slowing down your pursuit of academic, athletic, and/or career pursuits? If you removed these areas of your life, what would remain?
- Do you find yourself “keeping busy” to avoid anxiety, sadness, anger, or disappointment?
- If you notice minimization of your efforts or accomplishments, critical self-talk, persistent shame, anger, or rumination around making mistakes, or dissatisfaction or feeling directionless outside of work, school, or sports, you may be struggling with perfectionism.
